Our Loss (Leavetakings II)

 

She was surrounded by those who love her

Her life stretched behind her like a red carpet

Leading onwards and upwards

It could have been much longer

But it got into her bones

It stole into her lungs

And robbed us of her

She was gone but not into the dark

She had left the shadowland

To live in fields of light and warmth unknown

Leaving us darkbound, black clad grievers

To ponder mourning

I know

And he knew

Grandson

And son

“How did you mourn her?”

Someone so good, so pure

Yet so aware that she was not

Aware of the stained rags she wore

Yet still smiling upwards into the face of heaven

How do you mourn her?

When she is somewhere better

And you are left alone?

I don’t know how

I cried at the celebration of her life

That euphemism stuck to my tongue

Like the hot wax of the candles burning by her coffin

I cried because I miss her

Because I will not hear her warm sonorous voice again

Because she will not wake me up

By gently rubbing my back

I mourned the loss of her

I mourned the state of the world without her

I did not mourn for her

For what she might miss

She traded her ashes for gold

“I don’t know if I ever properly mourned her”

He said

Son to grandson

And I understood